Some funny jokes

[cjndee]

Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes”, answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught

[cjndee]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you please help me !!!???

Thanks,


A TROUBLED USER


Dear TROUBLED USER,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it’s creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.

I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.


Best of Luck,

Tech Support

[cjndee]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked For $20..00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book whichShowed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,

I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when To keep their mouths shut

[cjndee]

Ralph & Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

[cjndee]

A SPICY STORY

A woman was riding on a plane next to another man in first class. The man sneezed very hard, pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman couldn't believe what she just saw and decided she was hallucinating.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed again. He pulled out his penis and wiped the tip off.

The woman was about to go nuts. She couldn't believe that such a rude person existed.

A few minutes passed. The man sneezed yet again. He took his penis out and wiped the tip off.

The woman finally had enough. She turned to the man and said, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replied, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such as that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then said, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looked at her, grinned and said, "Pepper, of course."

[cjndee]

A doctor's routine check up

During a routine checkup, a doctor told his patient that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Then came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[cjndee]

Never Give a Frog as a Gift

A woman is shopping for a pet, as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices this pet shop are charging seem very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern.

"Well, I have a frog in the back, that I can let you have for $50," the clerk
says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.
Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but as her husband loves this sort of sex, and she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value.

The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night.
The woman goes to sleep, happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans, and pouring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry @ss is out of here!"

I'm thinking this is pretty funny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeG0p7Rxp5Y

[PornoGamer]

Why did the white girl fuck a mexican?

Her teacher said "Do a essay"